How Cancer Changed My Life

At the end of my 7^th grade year when most people were happy and celebrating the end of the school year, I was mourning the loss of my great grandma, who was 83 at the time. She was the backbone of our family and the person who held us together. After the passing everything changed dramatically in myself as well as our family. I grieved her loss the hardest, My friends were all happy and would tell me to get over it, but they never once asked me how I was doing.

It was the middle of May 2009 when the family found out that she was diagnosed with cancer and hospitalized. She began to get really sick and couldn’t get treatment for her cancer because it had spread too far. She came home worse than when she left and every family member came to her house to take care of her and be with her in her final days. On her final day with us, a little over three weeks of her being sick, everyone lost hope and bean to surround her at her bedside to say their final goodbyes. The look of pain over her aged face her small body frame became even smaller than usual, as I looked at her suffering it made a knot in my stomach and chest. I just wanted it all to end.

They called all the great grandchildren in to see her, we all walked obediently into the house and down the hall that felt cramped, dark, and seemed unusually long to end up at her door left wide open. I go to walk into the room only to be stopped by a force and couldn’t walk pass the door frame. I couldn’t stand to see the caring, witty, and loving woman I grew to know in that condition. I never was able to go into her room and said my goodbye from the door under my breath so know one could hear it.

The one thing I remember about that day is the feeling that had built up in my chest was relieved, but I felt a piece of me was now missing. I went out to eat with my aunt and cousin to have a little break from everything. As we sat outside in the playground area of McDonalds I remember the release and just looking up at the sky. I knew at exactly that moment she was gone and she didn’t feel pain anymore. Even with the cars buzzing by and kids playing loudly, I was in complete peace and the dull colors of the past few weeks began to become brighten again.

As she was brought out of her room and the kids were in a room across the hall waiting for the okay to come out of my uncle and aunt‘s room. I was holding my cousin Evan ,who was two at the time, and looked out the door to see her room dark and quiet. He looked into the room and waved. He simply said, “Goodnight grandma.”

“Yeah, goodnight grandma,” I responded, as a tear slowly ran down my face.

The next couple days were a blur with everything happening between the funeral and her will. Her house had become chaos. People were having arguments left and right about everything. The funeral went smoothly everyone remembered her for who she truly was and how she would have wanted it to go.

The two personalities of my family came out the ones who had money were only worried about the money and their benefits and the other group who sat together and watched in disgust of what the family had become. The greed of the relatives was shocking because not one of us was raised to be that way. The one thing I remember was my grandma letting people that were her children or grandchildren take her place to choose something. I went once in that cycle and choose the one piece of jewelry everyone happened to be looking for because of their value, but for me. The strand of fresh water pearls I choose reminded me of summer I spent with her, and the day she brought out all of her pearls. She went through each strand and everyone of them had a story and the fresh water pearls were the pearls my great grandpa gave her after he had come after a war.

Later that night I overheard my grandma talking to my aunt Lydia asking what had happen to the pearls. My grandma responded,” I don’t know, they were on the table at one point and when I looked for them again they were gone.”

I waited until my aunt and grandma finished their conversation, and called her over. “I took a pearl necklace from the table.”

“Show it to me,” my grandma commanded under her breath. I slowly took the necklace out of my mom’s purse and passed it over to my grandma.

“This is the one everyone is looking for, but I want you to keep it. I want it to stay in our family. Don’t tell anyone else you have these.”

“Okay, I understand,” I said as I put them back into my mom’s purse.

After a week everything started settling down and everyone went back to where they live is when her passing really hit me hard. For awhile, I wasn’t eating or sleeping and had a constant sharp pain in my stomach. When I would actually sleep all of my dreams were about her. One night while I was wide awake in bed, I started thinking that she may not be with us physically anymore, but she would always be in my heart and memories. The strength of her and her genuine personality of just speaking her mind is in me. The strength and support she gave me was in me, and no one could put me down unless I let them. Since her passing there has been multiple times where I wished she was here still to keep the family together, but I know she is watching from somewhere.

I now have lost three people to cancer and have learned that with loss it gets a little easier and what they taught me have stayed with me to this day. They all truly believed in everyone and their potential to be great. At the end of each day, whether its been bad or good, I know they were and still would be proud of my accomplishments and the person I have grown to be.

I changed as a person through these experiences. I went from being kind of selfish and took people for granted, but I never knew what life would be like without them. On tough days, when I feel discouraged I think about what they told me, as I look at my wrist. Where my cancer ribbon tattoo is and remember what they taught me. That I only have to be my best self and not everyone will like what I’m doing, but it doesn’t matter as long as I’m happy with my choices.